Struggling on – by “Anonymous”

Today’s article is a short piece from Anonymous. 

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I am an atheist suffering from depression and a host of side issues to a varying degree. I feel insignificant to people and only invited as a ‘friend of a friend’. But then I also feel worthless so why would they want me? The most destructive is my paranoia and jealousy – how am I to know when I am being paranoid or when I might actually be right for once? My skill in judgement is gone and my automatic approach is to assume I’m correct and bunker down to protect myself. Jealousy tears apart everything I hold dear. I don’t want to take away from any deserving person. I just want or need the same thing but if I see it in front of me I lose all control of normal sense of decency and strike out.

Give me any dilemma that I can apply rational scientific thinking to and I’ll look for the rational scientific answer. Ill think about it as a+b=c and I’ll give you an answer. But ask me to think about people and life and it all goes out of the window. Sometimes a+b still does equal c. Sometimes it is conditional. Sometimes it can be d and z at the same time. And sometimes despite evidence it is c I still can’t tell my brain that. I can’t do rational when it comes to my own life. You can tell me you mean something in a particular way but it doesn’t mean it will feel like that to me. No one sees this.

Sometimes I think it would be lovely to believe in a god. Someone looking after me, there to talk to and with a religion to guide me. Someone with a plan putting me through this for a reason. And maybe even someone to blame. But I can’t do it. There’s enough other lies without ruling my life by one.

So I just have to struggle on. There’s help out there but no guarantees. I can lose weight and build my confidence but it still doesn’t mean anyone will notice and respond. Until they do I’m just a person not a woman. People tell you to build your self esteem but as a rational person, how do you support a theory with no evidence to support it?

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About shatteringthestigma

An open blog taking submissions from skeptics and skeptic friendly individuals on the subject of mental health.

Posted on January 23, 2012, in Depression and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. It’s hard to know what I can say that is helpful. And I want to say something helpful!

    You certainly aren’t alone. I can sympathise with a lot you said, I especially know that feeling of not being able to step back and look at things rationally or – if I can – it not making a blind bit of difference to how I feel. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself something, it often doesn’t change how you feel.

    I hope you are getting help from some professionals for your issues, rather than trying to struggle on on your own. There are a lot of different therapies you can try, which may, or may not, involve medication, and hopefully you can find (at least) one which would help you. One that helped me a little, and from the small bit you said, might help you is ACT. I had to pick and choose from it, though!

    I guess I’m just saying: there’s stuff out there, so try not to lose hope. Trust me, I know how hard that can be!

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