I Hate Myself… By “Craig”

I hate myself. I mean truly, genuinely hate myself. If I died in my sleep that wouldn’t be a problem, sadly I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. People say those who commit suicides are cowards. I don’t see that. In order to take your own life requires massive brass balls I just don’t have. Suicide isn’t an easy way out, it’s a dead end. Especially for an atheist like me. I don’t think there will be an afterlife. For me it would just be oblivion, and I guess to some degree that’s why I can’t do it. As much as I hate and despise myself – despite what people say I think I’m fat and ugly – I just can’t bring myself to enter oblivion. But I wouldn’t care if it happened in my sleep – I wouldn’t know after all.

But then there are those I leave behind. My mum and dad care about me, granted that’s only because animal instincts in the higher apes creates this bond between parent and offspring. If it wasn’t for that issue they wouldn’t care. I think one or two others may miss me temporarily, but not for long. My mother tried to kill herself, recently, because she wanted to be with my grandmother. Her belief in an afterlife made her consider suicide and that there would be somewhere better to go to. I wish that were true because if it was, I might be more inclined to take that blade and instead of just superficial self harming, drive it deep into my wrist. Or my throat.

See these are the thoughts I have. I hate myself. And medication isn’t helping anymore, I just want to curl up away from everything with a never ending bottle of whisky. Away from everyone and everything. I want to run away and hide from everyone and everything. If I’m just by myself I can’t hurt anyone. People would ultimately be better off without me around.

But I can’t bring myself to do any of that. I can’t run away and I can’t kill myself so I have to live with myself. And I’m struggling to do that too. My days are filled with fear and hatred of myself. I can’t bring myself to do anything at all apart from sit in front of my laptop and wander around the internet. This is how I feel. I feel empty, alone and full of self hate.

And I feel I deserve punishment. That’s why I hurt myself, because I deserve it. Because I should have that pain, those scars. Everyday that goes by is like a punishment in itself. Each day feeling like this seems a punishment. And I hate it. But not as much as I hate myself. I’m not even sure what the purpose of this is, why I’m submitting this to this blog. I guess I just needed to put this out there, to let the world know how much pain I’m in. And how there is nothing I can do to stop it.

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About shatteringthestigma

An open blog taking submissions from skeptics and skeptic friendly individuals on the subject of mental health.

Posted on April 3, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I feel your pain.
    I know it, have lived it, suffer with it.

    You are NOT alone.

  2. Reblogged this on Anti-Woo and commented:
    These words also sum up my daily thoughts.

  3. A lot of this rings true with me, but yet I still don’t know what to say. Remember other people don’t hate you like you hate yourself, because you do not deserve to be hated! This is just something your brain is putting you through. What CoffeeLovingSkeptic says is true, you’re not alone.

  4. I’d third JavaNerd and CoffeeLovingSkeptic’s comments – you’re not alone, there are at least three of us who empathise exactly with what you’re going through. The way out isn’t easy but we can at the very least rely on each other for support during what is a very difficult thought process to break out of. Posting this is a step forward to engaging with this community.

  5. I feel the same. Saddley My family doesn’t care. I just had a fight with my mom and the next few days was sick as h3ll. Puking, head hurting, the works. For two out of the three days I couldn’t even get out of bed except to get in the shower to nap. It was the only way to make the head pain any less. No one helped me. My psycho sis was the only one that even asked and did that so she could guilt me into watching the kids when I got out of the shower on the third day. If I’m not usable to these people I don’t matter. I slept for 2 days straight and no one cared. Even after that I did something to help out mom and all she could do is complian about the way I did something even though it shouldn’t have counted cause what I did was voluntary to help her. Nothing is ever good enough, and I can’t end it or get the gall to get away from these people. I can see 100 paths to happiness but dont have the strength to set out and keep going. All this adds up to make me feel even stupider. I always thought of myself as intelligent and moral but everything I ever valued about myself is dead, There’s not even enough of me left to kill the husk. I once tried, I lay face down in the tub with the shower running and let myself nap but when I got the first nose full of water my body jerked up. I regret not forcing myself.

  6. Our brains are so amazing and yet I’m still amazed that we’re surprised when they go wrong. I myself know exactly what you feel and yet most of the time I wonder how I can feel so low, it’s illogical. I personally think that we neglect our brains; don’t feed them as they ought to be with fish oil etc. It’s no wonder they go wrong and yet we still blame ourselves.

    I’ve found that taking fish oil tablets really help and bring me out of my sadness and ironically after having not taken them recently I feel terribly sad today and it’s truly awful.

    I think we should realise our feelings are chemically driven and that it’s not normal to feel so low and apathetic. There’s hope for us all yet and please do try feeding your brain first.

  7. This entire statement rings true for me. It’s spooky, my name is Craig too and every word here is exactly how i feel. I’m currently sitting in the dark outside my house contemplating wether to go find a bridge to jump off of or just fall asleep here and once again, hope something kills me while i sleep.

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